Whenever I’m alone, I constantly find myself in awkward situations. I’ve decided to call these situations, ‘Unfortunate Adventures’. There have been quite a number of them already – some are funny, some are angst-driven and some are just bizarre. And they’re all true stories – you just can’t make this kinda shit up.
Today’s adventure is a bizarre one. It began this morning. The alarm rang and I dragged my skinny ass to the toilet to wash up. As soon as I stuck the toothbrush into my mouth I knew something was up with me bowels. My sayang and I had Nando’s for dinner the night before and while it has never caused me any toilet emergencies in the past, I think it could have been the cause. Well, I brushed the thought aside as soon as I thought about it and continued with my morning wash.
The drive to the office wasn’t pleasant and the unpleasantries began to escalate as I got nearer. Once I got to the office I offloaded some foul shit – the kind that’s illegal to talk or write about. Needless to say, the smell was something else as well. Regardless, I made three deposits in three and a half hours. Exhausted, I decided to go to the doctor’s and take the afternoon off.
On the drive home, my tummy decided to go ape-shit and I had to make an emergency stop at the Petronas station near SS2. Now I hate public toilets and I can’t conduct my personal business in them – especially petrol stations – but today, in fact, like every other day, I wasn’t about to soil my pants and car. They were at the gates, man! You better let them stinking gophers out!
Anyway, I rushed to the toilet and the lock was a little suspect but I couldn’t hold it in. Throwing caution to the wind, I slammed the door shut and in a blink of an eye, I felt a wave of relief. Now, as I was concluding my malodorous affair with an unfamiliar receptacle, the doors to my temporary palace of solace burst open to reveal a lady, a little on the heavy side, skirt up with nothing – god damned nothing to cover her proverbial cockles! I swear piss would have shot out and hit me right in the face if it weren’t for the smell of my crap wafting up into her nostrils. That and the fact that there was little old me in there.
The shocking and screwed up bit is – she wasn’t abashed about it at all, she actually cursed and slammed the door back shut, mumbling something in some dialect I couldn’t make out. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t pleasant and am thinking it could be a PRC woman.
Yours truly was stunned into silence for the duration of the whole ordeal – I only managed a mousy WTF at the end of it actually. In fact I was so stunned by the sudden intrusion, ghastly sight and blatant accusation that it was somehow my fault I think it may have cured my diarrhoea. Whoops, maybe not… See ya.